For some reason I am kindof emotional today and I have been having a difficult time lately with the misuse and negative use of words like "retard/retarded" and "special". It has really been pulling at my heart lately and it is interesting because as I have been thinking alot about it, I have come across a couple different blogs talking about the same thing. I am so glad to have connections to these women (whom I have never met) and see how others are dealing with these same issues. I am sad to admit that I used to carelessly interchange the "r" word in place of stupid-quite often actually-and until my sweet Bree was born I didn't even realize what I was doing. I know most people don't mean harm by it, because I didn't, but now I have a new perspective and it makes my heartache when people make reference to it in this way.
Kris just had an experience a few days ago with this exact thing too. He was golfing with some work buddies and they were noticing that there was a tee box that was alot closer to the hole than all the others and someone asked what it was for and this guy said "oh that one is probably for the retards". My cute husband stood up and said "hey easy there, that word means different things to different people." His buddy quickly said "no, no that's not what I meant! I was meaning it is for people like me who are bad at golf." I thought this was the perfect way to handle it and I was so proud of Kris for saying something and doing so in a kind way. I know the friend was not trying to be mean at all but he just didn't realize how using that word in place of stupid would make some people hurt. I don't want people to feel like they have to tiptoe around words when they are with us but I just want people to understand that "retard" does not mean stupid and "special" should not be linked to jokes and negative images of people with disabilities. I like the definition in the dictionary, for "special"that describes it as "distinguished from what is ordinary or usual". Unfortunately the word has been negatively twisted to imply that these differences are weird or bad. Yes my little Bree has a disability in that she will learn things differently than most and at a different pace but she is anything but stupid!She is brighter than we will ever know!! I like to think of it as "differently-abled" rather than "disabled". Yes, sometimes it is hard to see what the "typical" child Bree's age is doing developmentally and see that Bree wants SO badly to be doing it right with them but her body won't let her yet. But then when I get sad about that all I have to do is look at her smiling face and remind myself of all that she IS doing, rather than what she is not doing. I know that we are going to deal with sensitive issues her whole life and I guess it is just setting in a little right now and my mom instinct wants to protect her from this hurt, so I guess the least I can do is try to help educate people on how to properly use some of this language. For those who read this, thanks for letting me share my emotions for a minute.
15 comments:
Kec, this made me cry! I think it's so good for you to "educate" people on this subject. You're right, people don't generally mean any harm and don't even think about it really, but should be more sensitive (myself included!). I can totally understand why this would be so hurtful for you.
I can say the Bree is absolutely one of the brightest babies I have ever known. Anyone who is around her is just drawn to her and she does have so many abilities that most don't have. So you are right, she is just differently-abled. She is beautful in so many way and it's so fun to watch her learn and grow. She really is amazing. And, so are you! My heart aches for you thinking of the struggles that come along with raising her, but know that she is such a blessing to have in your life. And, I think that one day you really will see just how bright she really is! Love ya.
I can understand though I do not have a child with Down Syndrome. Our oldest son is has a ton of energy and is very intelligent, but makes some bad chooses sometimes. People give me the evil eye like I have control over him or that I must be a bad parent. We get from teachers all the time and some people that he must have ADD or ADHD. We finally had him tested this year because I was so tired of the comments. No, the psychologist said he doesn't have either condition. When we told the teacher she said are you sure? Anway, I wish people could be more kinder and careful what they say. They do not realize how hurtful their comments can be and how many tears I have shed. Now, I just hope that people will not treat my youngest different because he has a heart condition. It is sad how we have picked up words and use them for negetive. People do not understand that retarted mean delayed intelligence not stupid. Before Roman was born the doctors wanted me to have him tested because his heart condition is often linked to Downs. I said no because I was still going to have him and the test would never be able to tell me what he is capable of doing. We should never lable people because I think it can stop them from reaching their full potential. Bree is adorable and I am sure she will surprize everyone in just what she is capable in doing.
Absolutely LOVE the comment your husband said. It can be so hard to know what to say, if anything, but I love the "easy there..." comment! So appropriate!
I have been sensitive to people using the "r" word ever since my dad was made principal at the Harvigsen School. I always cringe when I hear someone use it negatively. I think your little Bree is exceptional. You and your hubby are fantastic parents. I loved his comment! Your love and example are inspirational to those who you come into contact with. I admire your positive attitude especially in light of the challenges that you find yourself facing. (Dang. Now I'm all choked up!)
Kecia you are amazing and so is your little Bree. I know that people are so insensitive about so many things, me included. And when Bree was born we all wondered how she would be different. But that all quickly went away because she is such an amazing little girl! I love to see how excited she gets about even the smallest things or accomplishments. And I am so grateful that Lucy and Bree will get to grow up together because I know that Bree is going to be the greatest influence on her. And good for you and Kris for saying something because most people wouldn't be so brave.
Well put, Kecia. I know I have been guilty of using those terms in the wrong way, not maliciously of course, but still not appropriately. Thank you for expressing yourself so beautifully and for the example you and Kris are to us all. You amaze and inspire me and Bree is so amazing. I can't help but think of how Heavenly Father must trust you and Kris so implicitly to give such a gift to your family. I know it brings challenges in a way that I don't understand. Anyway, I really am rambling but just wanted to say thank you for this post. I'm glad to know you and call you my friend.
Kecia-it is Ashley (brooke's friend-i never know if you remember me from Ricks) anyway...i check your blog every so often. I love to see the updates on Bree (that is really why I check it.) I have never met her but I think she is amazing and you have already been an example to me about this word and I don't use it anymore because of you so you have touched one person. I agree with Brooke that Heavenly Father must think you and your husband are something great to give you Bree. You are doing an amazing job.
Hey Kecia it is Corinne. I found your blog through Tiff's. Your family is absolutely beautiful! When I read this post about your precious little Bree the thought came to my mind if anyone can get through this Kecia can. I worked with a Down syndrome girl in young womans and I can say that she has changed my life. They are definately Angels sent strait from heaven!It was so good to see your cute little family!
Well said. It is sad that many people will not ever be able to look past the diagnosis of Down syndrome. Never know just how incredibly smart these kids are, how hard they work, and yet how "normal" they really are.
I also loved when you said that Downs isn't what she is, rather what she has. I have noticed how unintentionally I make that mistake even with my experience. I am more careful with my words.
That was so sweet! She is the sweetest girl in the world! And she couldn't have gone to better parents than you and Kris.
Kecia...you and Kris are such wonderful parents. It doesn't surprise me one bit that you were entrusted with the most wonderful little girl to come to your family. I love how Kris handled that situation...so tactful yet appropriate. Thanks so much for sharing this with everyone. Its such a good reminder to watch what you say.
Kecia when I first saw the ban the "r" word link on your blog- I started noticing how much it is misused- by everyone I know including me- and I think it is great that you are bringing attention to it so we can all realize that our vocabulary is inappropriate/insensitive and fix it!
I don't know if you remember me, but I'm a friend of Tysen's and I was just seeing what her siblings were doing. So I hope you don't mind me reading about your sweet family. You enlightened my mind and I appreciate that. I've always tried to be mindful of others and this helped me even more. Your children are beautiful and good luck with everything. Thanks again.
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